The Day the Gerbil Died [To the Tune of American Pie]

Bye, bye, Mr American gerbil

Lennon knocked the cage off and now the gerbil is gone

And good old cats are chasing him all around

Singing this’ll be the day that he dies

This’ll be the day that he dies

When I was heading off to college my pet hedgehog, Mary, was 3 years old. I had gotten her for 50% off because she was a “watch me pet.” Basically, she was a prickly bitch. She hated people. She didn’t unroll from her ball for the first like week of me owning her. I knew she wouldn’t live very much longer so I didn’t want to leave her at home so I registered her as an emotional support animal. When she died in October, it was like a cruel joke. I had registered her as an emotional support animal as an excuse to bring her to college, but my mental health deteriorated and I realized she was actually my emotional support. I cried all day, I couldn’t go to class, I didn’t really leave my apartment. I went back to counseling and got back on my depression medication and began looking for a new emotional support animal.

I ended up buying two gerbils. Jakob drove me the two hours to pick them up. I picked the runt of the litter and one that looked like his mom. I named the little one Mini Coop and the one that looked like his mom Houdini. He was named Houdini because he got loose in Jakob’s car on the way home. (Jakob was not amused.) Mini Coop was always the docile one while Houdini was the wild one. We put the GB in GerBils all through college! (Pot joke..)

Last year during the initial COVID lock down Mini Coop developed some kind of problem that resulted in him walking at first with a tilt then only being able to walk in circles and falling over. I took him to the vet and they said it was an inner ear infection so they gave him antibiotics and he quit walking in circles but still had a tilt. In December he passed away. According to the internet, when one gerbils dies the other will die soon after of loneliness. Not Houdini. He’s still kicking. Or was….

The cats have always climbed up on the dresser and pawed at the gerbil cage trying to get the gerbils but I’ve never had an issue with them getting inside the cage. In December when Mini Coop died I noticed part of Houdini’s tail was gone but I never knew if a cat ate it or he chewed it off from stress. It happened again in May and I wondered if we should just put him down but elected to just give him more sunflower seeds and cardboard to try to make him happier.

Lennon, our newest cat, who’s 5 months old so still a kitten really, has been climbing on top of the gerbil cage lately. I squirt him with water when he does it but he still continues to do it. Jakob and I are presently on the way home to Ohio so we have a friend going over once a day to feed the cats and clean the litter boxes.

Well today Phoebe, our Texas sister, was over there feeding the cats. She calls me and says, “Uh… Sophie… Did you used to have a small animal in your room?….” I replied, “Yeah, I have a pet gerbil in the cage, why?” She said, “Well, the top is knocked off the cage and I can’t find the creature so I think your cats ate him…” I immediately started dying of laughter. Maybe that sounds cruel, but Houdini’s lived a good life and I don’t think he’s been fully happy since Mini Coop died. I told Phoebe to put his bowl of food on the ground and if she happens to see him put him back in the cage or if she finds a body to throw it away but not to worry about it. Jakob and I have decided this was some kind of initiation for Lennon and Rona and Ambrose have now accepted him since he managed something they’ve been trying to do for the past 2 years. Gain access to the gerbil.

So when we get back we’ll either find gerbil remains or a gerbil running around the house. Who knows. I would not be surprised if Houdini manages to live in the house for the next 9 days while dodging the cats, but if they get him… well that’s the circle of life my friends.