From Bedtime Nazi to Italian Sleep Schedule

When Stella was a baby, she came home from the Nicu already on a sleep schedule. Around 730 every night she’d be out for the night. I always had a strict bedtime growing up and so I kept that strict bedtime for her.

The first time we had any issues with bedtime was around 6 months when she went through a sleep regression. All of a sudden, she wasn’t falling asleep right at 730 so I was spending hours in her room just waiting for her to fall asleep. My friend at the time who was a certified infant sleep specialist told me I should just bring her out and try again later but that didn’t seem right to me. It was bed time. She had to go to sleep so she could get the amount of sleep that she needed. Finally, she went back to a 730 bed time but this was a trend that popped up every so often.

During these sleep regressions, I would lay there becoming more and more frustrated she wasn’t asleep yet, obsessively counting the hours and analyzing what time she needed to go to sleep and wake up to get that perfect amount of sleep. I was really laid back on nap times and just put her to sleep whenever she was tired until she went down to two naps. She adapted to a 10-11 and 2-330 ish nap time on her own but once she did I made sure we stuck to that. We absolutely had to be home during that time for her naps no matter what else was going on.

This strict adherence to schedule only resulted in my life being more difficult. I skipped out on things I wanted to do and became agitated if she went to sleep later or woke up early. My husband regularly tried to get me to relax but I couldn’t, it was my job as a parent to make sure she got the sleep she needed.

I remember how I felt when I’d hear about parents who’s kids wouldn’t go to bed until 9 at night or who dropped naps before Stella did. I immedielty judged them, assuming their kids weren’t getting the sleep they needed.

The worst was when Elliot was a newborn. Stella had been sleeping great, falling asleep quickly and only waking a couple times a night. When Elliot was born, she completely regressed. After I’d put her to bed in her bed she’d wake up even 30 minutes crying and I’d have to go nurse her back to sleep. Before Jakob could get her back to sleep but after Elliot’s birth she only wanted me. After we went to bed and brought her into our bed she would wake every 2 hours throughout the night.

When Stella wa about 22 months she went though a really bad sleep regression. Every night it was taking hours to get her to sleep. I was losing it, at the end of the day I was so maxed out I was desperate for her to go to sleep so I could get a break. I would try to stay patient but every night ended with me storming out of the room yelling at Jakob about how she just wouldn’t to go to sleep. Jakob’s answer was to just let her stay up later, she just wasn’t tired enough. I couldn’t let go of my anxiety over her getting enough sleep. I was convinced if I let her stay up later she wouldn’t get the sleep she needed and be exhausted.

I talked to my counselor who I was seeing for my ptsd after Elliot’s birth about what was happening. We agreed there had to be a root cause to why I had so much anxiety over Stella’s sleep. We were able to figure out that it stemmed from my issue with sleep as a child. During my parents divorce I had a lot of issues falling and staying asleep. I would lay in bed obsessively counting the hours of sleep I’d get, becoming increasingly stressed out anout how late it was. I was doing the same thing with Stella I’d done to myself. I kept myself up with my anxiety and now I was keeping Stella up due to that same anxiety. Learning what was causing it helped me to relax that anxiety, but what really helped was what Elliot taught me.

Elliot completely turned my strict views on sleep schedules around. From the time he was born, I never had him on any type of schedule except to sleep Stella’s mid day nap. He’d be in a carrier on me most of the day and would wake him up within enough time before Stella’s nap so that he’d nap at the same time as her. This was because I had started napping with her during pregnancy and intended to continue that since I was so tired from being up at night nursing two children.

Up until Elliot was six months, he just hung out with us and fell asleep on our laps in the evening until we took him to bed with us. When he hit six months we started putting him to bed on a crib mattress on a floor in his room around the time Stella went to bed. I’d nurse her to sleep first while he hung out with Jakob then came and got him and took him to nurse him to bed. If he wasn’t falling asleep, I’d take that advice I’d gotten so long ago and just bring him back down and try again later.

Over Christmas time around his first birthday when my sisters were home he adopted this really weird sleep schedule of going to sleep at his normal bed time, waking up at 10 and hanging out with us until midnight or so when I went to bed and he went back to sleep. I wasn’t obsessively counting hours of sleep with him or worrying about it I knew he’d sleep when he was tired, nap longer when he needed, go to bed earlier or sleep in later when necessary. I wish I’d had that carefree attitude with Stella through the first 2 years of her life it would have saved a lot of bed time and nap time fights.

Around 2.5 Stella started refusing naps or refusing bed time. Instead of fighting her on it I tried taking the approach I’d taken with Elliot. We just let her play until she told us she told us she was ready for bed or nap time. I was so surprised how well this worked. Her bed time went from 8 to 930 but she started sleeping in a little later to compensate and we weren’t fighting anymore. And I certainly didn’t mind getting to sleep in longer with her.

I’m not sure how we got where we are now, when summer started and we were doing more activities outside of the house in the evening bedtime just got gradually later and later, as did nap time and the time they got up in the morning. Right now our routine is the kids wake up around 830 in the morning and we do chores around the house then have some kind of morning activity like a playdate, errands and a park trip, etc. We come home and do naps around 1 or 130 and we all sleep until between 3 and 4. After that we finish household chores and make dinner then when Jakob gets home at 545 or 645 (depending on the day) we eat supper clean up and go out for a family walk, bike ride, playground/splash pad trip, or Jakob and I go on a date. When we get home around 830 we head up to brush teeth and get cleaned up for bed. I lay down with Elliot around 915 and read my Bible reading on my phone while he nurses or talks himself to sleep. Jakob and Stella head downstairs for a couple episodes of Bluey (much to my chagrin but that’s for another blog post) while I’m putting Elliot to sleep. When I come down, we all eat a snack then Stella and I head up for bed. She usually falls asleep around 1030/1045.

Some nights, like when there’s fireworks or were out with family, the kids are up later. Some evenings, like tonight, Elliot goes to sleep at 815 because he had a big day at the beach and pool. Earlier this week, when we spent all day traveling to NC for vacation, Stella napped from 730-830 then went to bed for the night at 10. We’re much more flexible and adaptable and it’s made my families life so much smoother and happier.

When I tell people what time my kids go to bed they look at me like I’m crazy. It doesn’t bother me, I was the same way. Now I’m so grateful that this is the sleep schedule. We get more time with Jakob since the kids aren’t going to bed less than an hour after he gets home, and we all get to sleep in later which I prefer. Things are better during the day too. If there’s a special event or activity we go do it and the kids nap a little later, no big deal. On the days Stella doesn’t nap for whatever reason, she just goes to bed earlier.

Italian children regularly stay up into the night, it’s not rare to see children at restaurants at ten o clock. In Egypt, children sleep in a family bed and everyone takes a midday nap. We may not be conforming to the traditional American sleep model, but what we’re doing is working for us.