Nursing^2=Well Bonded Siblings + An Overstimulated Mom

When people see Elliot nursing at 20 months they probably think to themselves, "isn't he a little old to still be nursing?" Then I drop the bomb that I'm not only nursing him, but also my 3 year old. At that point I'm sure I've lost any credibility of being sane with them. I love tandem nursing Stella and Elliot and would not change it for the world, but to act like it doesn't come with drawbacks would be very misleading. It's hard nursing two toddlers, although not as hard as it was during pregnancy and when they were two under two. It is rewarding, but takes sacrifice. I am glad I did it with them, because of how close they are in age, but can honestly say I don't think I'd ever do it again. Stella and I's nursing relationship definitely suffered due to Jakob and I's choice to have Elliot so soon after Stella. This is the raw truth about the ups and downs of our tandem journey.

When Stella was about 7 months Jakob and I decided we were open to another child whenever God blessed us. In February, when she was 8 months, I went home to Ohio to look for a house since we'd decided to move back. I was there for a few weeks, and did not manage to find a house, but did manage to get back to Texas just in time for a sweet home coming during ovulation... Not that I realized at the time I was ovulating.

A few weeks later Jakob and I were packing up to move to Ohio and my mom had come to help. I picked up the bulk pregnancy tests I'd gotten from Amazon and said to my mom, "better keep these with me!" She gave me a lecture about how the last thing we needed right then was to be pregnant, we didn't even have a house. I reassured her it would take time to get pregnant and she gestured to Stella saying, "tell that to her" who was conceived before we were even married a month.

I knew I wanted to nurse Stella until she was 2.5 but it never occured to me how I would handle nursing her if I was pregnant and then nursing a second child. I was tunnel visioned on a vaginal birth after cesarean and a new baby. Looking back now, I think I was crazy because Stella was still literally a baby. She was only 8 months old, how could I be wishing for a new baby while I was with one all day every day? I think it was mainly the chance at a vaginal birth driving me. Also, because of the fact that she was my first and I didn’t have a lot of experience with young children I couldn’t really make an informed decision about an age gap. I only knew that my sister and I were 20 months apart and we were really close and I wanted that for my kids.

I don't really remember when I decided I was going to nurse Stella through the pregnancy and then tandem nurse her and her brother. I guess maybe it was just a given that's what I'd have to do since I wanted to nurse her 2.5 years but I certainly did not expect it to be as hard as it was and I didn't expect it to impact our nursing relationship like it did. I definitely wouldn't have changed it because I'm so grateful that Stella is now 3 and still nursing, and I love the bond Stella and Elliot have, but at the same time if we do have more I will not be having them so close together and replicating this. I'll also be the first to advocate to others that they should wean before or during pregnancy and space out their children to the point that their nursing journey is not cut short.

The first trimester was fine, but getting into the second trimester and closer to the halfway point of pregnancy things started to go downhill. My milk dried up and even though Stella was over a year and eating solid foods at that point, I started to suffer intense guilt over the fact that she wasn't getting the added nutrients and immune boost from my breastmilk. Soon after this the aversions started which was definitely the worst part.

This is going to sound awful but the best way to describe nursing aversions is that you want to fling the child across the room then run and hide. It gives you the same feeling that nails on a chalk board does, except worse because it’s a physical sensation. It made me feel both irritated and aggressive. Almost like I was being threatened or under attack. It gave me a fight or flight response. As soon as she would unlatch I would feel better, but then the thought of her latching back on made my heart race and toes curl.

Some women have issues with nursing being painful during pregnancy, and honestly I would have preferred this. All I could do was grit my teeth and pray she would quickly fall asleep. (At this point she was only really nursing to sleep.) There were so many days I had to put her in the car and drive her around to get her down for a nap or bedtime because I couldn't take her nursing. One early morning, Jakob went to the gym. Stella woke up to nurse and I laid there texting Jakob crying and praying that she would fall back into a deep sleep and unlatch. Stella was still taking two naps but she would nurse through her entire first nap which never bothered me up until the aversions started, but her naps sometimes were cut short because I couldn't bear nursing her.

The one night I was up with her pacing back and forth trying to bounce or rock her back to sleep and Jakob asked why I wasn't just nursing her. I snapped at him "Because it's my body and I get to do what I want with it!" and he laughed and told me he didn't know I'd become a liberal. Funny in hindsight, not in the moment. Jakob would sometimes have to drive her around at 4 AM to get her back to sleep for the rest of the night.

It wasn't this bad the whole pregnancy, it would ebb and flow. I started taking magnesium and that helped a lot with the aversions. Also for some reason it didn't bother me near as much to nurse her on the right side as the left. What kept me going was my goal I'd committed to of wanting to nurse her until she was at least 2.5. She didn't ask for a sibling and I didn't feel like it was fair to cut her nursing journey short, one I believed was important to set her up for the rest of her life both physically and psychologically, because I decided to get pregnant so soon.

Because of my more times than not refusal to nurse her at night, Stella did eventually night wean during pregnancy and was barely even nursing before bed, I would count to 300 while she nursed then pat her back the rest of the way to sleep. I was actually relieved and thought that would make having a newborn and her both nursing easier. I would only be waking up for one child and only nursing one child to sleep. Jokes on me, it did not pan out that way...

When Elliot was born we had to leave in the middle of the night. Apparently when Stella woke up and saw my mom in bed with her she asked, "nurse?" and mom said she couldn't nurse her and she just went back to sleep. In the morning she went to stay with my mother in law. When they came to visit us at the hospital that first day, Stella didn't even ask to nurse. Part of me was relieved because I was so afraid of the aversions, part of me was devastated because I was worried that was the end of the journey and all of the perseverance through pregnancy was for nothing. The next day when she came to visit she saw Elliot nursing and I asked her if she wanted to as well. She climbed up next to me and latched right on. My heart

was so full watching both of them nurse, and I knew determination to not wean her was worth it. She reached over and pulled Elliot head off my other nipple and looked from him to my breast and back at him. I said, "Oh Stella, he's nursing too, just like you! That's his side." And she pushed his head back towards me and he latched right back on.

The first night Elliot was home Stella woke up in the middle of the night and was so excited about having a baby just kept pointing to him and exclaiming, “BABY!” For 2 hours Jakob and I just kept trying to get her to lay back down to go back to sleep so I offered to nurse her even though she hadn’t nursed overnight in so long. Well, that was kind of a mistake because that ended her being night weaned.

When my milk came in a few days later, Stella was ecstatic and began nursing just as much as Elliot. She pretty much stopped eating solid foods and just nursed around the clock. I had read in facebook groups for tandem feeding mothers that this was common and wasn't particularly concerned. She actually gained more weight during those first few weeks than she had in months. She started waking up every half hour after we put her to bed and Jakob could no longer settle her back she only wanted to nurse. After we’d go to bed and bring her in our bed she’d still wake up every 2 hours. So, I was not only waking up to nurse a newborn every 2 hours, but also her. And they didn’t wake up at the same time so it was like every hour I was being woken up. Honestly, I’m glad they didn’t wake up at the same time because it was so overstimulating to nurse a toddler and a newborn at the same time. Their latches were so different and I just immediately became antsy and touched out.

I think their latches felt so different because their mouths being different sizes and the fact that Stella had teeth and he did not. I now realize Stella has a lip tie that was never diagnosed and I wonder if that affected her latch and made nursing during pregnancy and when Elliot was a newborn worse. I found that laying down to nurse Elliot didn’t bother me but with Stella it was much more comfortable to sit up and hold her while she nursed, it allowed her to get a better latch I think.

For naps we all 3 of us would lay in my bed and nap together. The first few months I was able to have Elliot take a pacifier while I nursed Stella to sleep then after she was asleep I nursed him. Sometimes he would go to nurse partway through the nap and wake up screaming, I think because he would get too much milk and then it would hurt his belly. At some point he quit taking a pacifier and I had to start nursing them both in order to get them to sleep at the same time. I would distract myself from the discomfort by doing square breathing (breath in for four seconds, hold for four seconds, breath out for 4 seconds, hold for four seconds) and praying. Luckily, they both fell asleep quickly. As Stella got older, I was able to explain to her that she needed to wait until Elliot was asleep to nurse. Now she plays while I get Elliot to sleep then she nurses to sleep and we all 3 still nap in my bed together.

I tried to get Stella to go back to not nursing overnight but she would just scream if I didn’t nurse her, which then lead to Jakob and I having a fight in the middle of the night because she was waking him and Elliot up. He didn’t understand why I wouldn’t just nurse her. He kept pointing out that this was what I wanted and what I had been so excited for. And yes, this was what I wanted, but I didn’t really realize what I was signing up for.

When Stella was a baby I didn’t mind nursing her overnight because we both fell right back asleep, and now this was the case with Elliot, but I couldn’t sleep through Stella nursing anymore. I was just laying there aggravated because I was awake and anxious about when Elliot would wake up next and how tired I was and how much I just wanted to be left alone.

Another thing that was really hard for me when Elliot was a newborn was I already had him needing to nurse so often then with Stella also wanting to nurse just as often I felt like I could never get anything done. (Actually, I still feel like that but now the kids need me for other things not just always nursing.) It would take me hours to complete a short chore list because it seemed like every 10 minutes I’d be interrupted to nurse one of them. And it also felt like one of them was always crying. Either Stella because I felt like she shouldn’t need to nurse as often as she wanted so I would tell her no, or Elliot because I was trying to complete a task before I did whatever he needed.

I remember texting my cousin who has 5 kids, 3 with similar age gaps to mine, when Elliot was just a few weeks old and asking her how she did it. She told me that this was a season and they wouldn’t need me like this forever. I should prioritize them and the house could wait. That really put a new perspective on things for me, and allowed me to give myself permission to let the house go when I need to and focus on the kids. It was hard for me not to feel like I was letting Jakob down when he got home and everything wasn’t done even though he never complained and told me repeatedly it was okay and he didn’t mind helping when he got home.

The house was messier during this time, we spent more time at home doing chores than I would have liked, and I had to constantly remind me that this was a season and the chores would get done when they got done. Jakob was really great about helping pick up the slack. He was never upset when he got home at the end of the day and dishes needed done or the house needed picked up or I was behind on laundry and he happily did those

things while I nursed/took care of the kids. I look back and wish I would have been even better about prioritizing the kids needs but I have a very type A personality and it was so hard for me to sit on the couch with them while I looked around at all the things that needed done. I know that I was doing the best I could and some lessons you can only learn with time.

I still find it hard to balance getting things done around the house while meeting the kids needs and with taking the kids out for play dates, swim lessons, etc. Although it’s still frustrating when I have to stop a task again to comfort Elliot the third time Stella and him get in a fight over a toy, I’m much better about stopping as soon as they need me instead of telling them to hang on while they cry at my feet so I finish one more thing. I take a deep breath and remind myself it won't be like this forever and attend to them. This doesn't happen every time, I still fall into "I just have to finish this task they can wait..." but not as often as I used to.

Looking back, I realize Stella didn’t want to nurse anymore than Elliot does now that he's the same age she was. It also makes sense that seeing her brother nurse would make her want to nurse. It makes sense that she always wanted to nurse more because she was insecure about our relationship with a new baby in the house and I only made it worse by pushing her away. I have a lot of guilt about the lack of empathy I showed Stella in those first few months after Elliot was born. She was only 18 months, she was still a baby really. I’m getting into a-whole-nother blog topic though so be on the lookout for a post about why I would not repeat this close of an age gap.

Things got better as time went on, the aversions almost completely went away and I worked out a system where when Stella would wake up I’d nurse her for 5 minutes while reading my book before trying to unlatch her and usually she’d roll over and go back to sleep at that point. I told myself when she was 2 if she was still nursing overnight I’d night wean her but by the time she turned 2 she was only nursing once or twice a night and it didn’t bother me anymore.

In March Stella and I celebrated 1000 days of breastfeeding with a photoshoot. It was the most magical, whimsical photoshoot I could have asked for. It far exceeded my expectations. I’m so grateful I was able to commemorate our nursing journey. When I was pregnant I also sent away some breast milk to get a ring and necklace made with it. The ring has a breastmilk stone and Stella’s birthstone. The necklace is breastmilk with a lock of Stella’s hair in it. They’re my favorite pieces of jewelry.

Elliot and I haven’t had a breastfeeding Photoshoot just us (we did have a tandem shoot that my doula did as a gift since due to my emergency c-section I never used her services I had paid for). I also haven’t gotten any jewelry for him. I haven’t decided if I will or not. Stella’s breastfeeding journey was how I healed from my birth trauma with her. When I did my PTSD therapy one of the things I did was shift my focus in the memory from the moments of trauma to the moment she first nursed. For that reason, her journey will always have a different place in my heart than Elliot’s. I would like to get a photoshoot with him when we hit 1000 days of breastfeeding.

Up until Stella turned 3 she always nursed to sleep. She never went to sleep with anyone else or in any way other than nursing. (Well, other than car rides.) I, for the most part, allowed her to nurse whenever she wanted and except for those first few weeks after Elliot was born, when I was really overwhelmed rarely told her no when she asked. In the weeks leading up to Stella turning 3 I told her we weren’t going to nurse to sleep anymore when she turned 3. I explained that she could nurse before bed but then we would lay down and cuddle to sleep.

I was fully expecting this transition to be a disaster and hadn’t really decided how hard I was going to press it. If it was just a fight every night at bed time I thought I’d probably let it go. Surprisingly, the transition was easy. The night of her third birthday I reminded her we weren’t nursing to sleep anymore and allowed her to nurse while I sang two songs on each side. Afterwards, we laid down and said a prayer then we snuggled. She’d go through a list of requests.

“I’m hungry”

“We’ll eat breakfast in the morning.”

“I’m thirsty”

“We’ll get a drink in the morning”

“I want to wake up”

“We’ll wake up in the morning”

“I’m not sleepy”

“Then we’ll just lay here and snuggle”

And all of a sudden she’d stop talking and I’d look over and she’d be sound asleep.

In July, after a month of her not nursing to sleep anymore, I told her we weren’t going to nurse in public anymore since she was a big girl. It wasn’t because I was ashamed of still nursing her it had more to do with the fact that I was tired of her and Elliot fighting over nursing in public. That was a pretty smooth transition too. When she’d ask I’d tell her she was a big girl now so she only nursed at home and she’d say, “no I’m a baby like Elliot” and I’d tell her she wasn’t then she’d move on and stop asking. Once in a while, if she's really upset or overstimulated or tired she'll insist and I allow her to but that's a rare occasion.

Stella really doesn’t ask to nurse much anymore even at home throughout the day. She does still nurse before bedtime and nap time and when she first wakes up but that’s about it. I don’t have any plans to wean her anytime soon, my plan is to either let her wean herself or just wean both kids at the same time sometime after Elliot turns 2.5. I don’t feel like it’s fair to wean her before Elliot. Obviously, she’s older and has gotten to nurse longer, but I don’t think she would understand that. I think it would just breed resentment between her and her brother and make her think I like him better.

Even though this tandem nursing journey has been anything but easy I don’t have any regrets about it. I’m so grateful for the bond it has fostered between the two kids. I’m overjoyed by the bond Stella and I have from nursing for so long. It did make a lot of things easier, like getting them both down for naps at the same time and to bed at the same time. It also allowed me to comfort both of them quicker and made for less tantrums.

I think tandem nursing positively affected the kids relationship and made the transition from one to two smoother for them because I’ve never seen any signs of jealousy or insecurity in Stella’s relationship with me or her brother. I’ve heard other moms talk about aggression towards a new baby from the older sibling and we never experienced that. Stella was overjoyed and loved her brother from day one. Shes, for the most part, always been good about sharing toys with him and wanting to snuggle him not hurt him. She's also quick to comfort him when he's upset and help him when he's struggling. I can’t vouch for how I was as a toddler but growing up I remember feeling like I needed to tear my sister down to build myself up. I would call her names, trick her, hurt her, and never wanted to share with her. I wonder if that has to do with insecurity I may have felt in terms of my mom loving me just as much as she loved Alexis, my younger sister. My older sister was also pretty mean to me so it could have just been the example of how to treat a sibling that was set for me. I know the kids will have riffs as they get older but if how loving and caring towards each other they are now is any testament to how they’ll be when they’re older, I think their sibling relationship will be very different than Alexis and I's growing up.

Tandem nursing has definitely been hard on my marriage. The overstimulation is something you can’t really understand unless you’ve nursed a child. Jakob would feel bad for Stella because she couldn’t always nurse when she wanted to and he felt like it was my fault for not weaning her and she would be better off just weaned. I would try to explain to him that I didn't want to wean her I just didn't want to nurse right that second (usually at night) but he would just get angry on her behalf and say I wasn't being fair to her and I either needed to wean her or let her nurse whenever she wanted.

I have gone back and forth on whether Jakob is right and it would have been better to just wean her at a year. I’m still not really sure which side I fall on. I do think that breastfeeding a child into toddlerhood is what’s best for them in general, but because of the fights it caused between Stella and I, I wonder if she would have been better off not seeing that side of me and just having been weaned. I’m grateful that that time doesn’t seem to have affected our relationship. She’s never seemed insecure in our relationship and has never shown any signs of jealousy towards Elliot. Even when I make her wait until Elliot’s done nursing she doesn’t lash out at him she just asks (or really wines) at him to be done and wines to me that she wants him to be done so she can have a turn.

Since tandem nursing and knowing more people who have nursed their older children into pregnancy I have received a lot of validation that’s helped with my guilt. I’ve talked to mothers about the fact that they’ve had to wean because they couldn’t take the aversions and overstimulation during pregnancy. Countless mothers have told me how they’ve had to wean after a year because they were already so touched out they couldn’t bear to continue nursing.

I don't think I would ever tandem nurse again because I do feel like Stella got shorted in her nursing journey due to my aversions and overstimulation. Even though she’s gotten to nurse longer than Elliot has, Elliot has never experienced me pushing him away literally and figuratively when he wanted to nurse. If we decide to have more it won’t be until after these two are both weaned. If we have one more I want to have two more so that they have each other and there isn’t an odd child out but I would space them out and have them be about three years apart so that I could nurse the older to 2.5 and wean before the second came. With a wider age gap I might consider tandem nursing again because I could better set boundaries with a 3 year old than an 18 month old to prevent finding myself so touched out and overwhelmed. I do also think that since having two I’ve become a lot more relaxed in general and it would be easier for me to accept that season of life and not feel like I had to tell the older one they couldn’t nurse so I could get household tasks done, which would make another tandem journey much more peaceful. Who knows what the future holds though, we may not even have more and then it would all be a moot point.