Marriage isn't 50/50

I don't remember where I first saw it, I think a facebook video, but there was a piece of marriage advice that really stuck with me. It was, marriage isn't 50/50. Each person has to give 100% so that on the days when one can't give their 100%, there isn't a gap. This recently came to mind when my husband hurt his back last week.

Jakob has had back issues since being in the Marines. He was diagnosed with degenerative arthritis of the spine. Since seeing a chiropractor, well since seeing a NEW chiropractor since the first one did nothing to help his pain and basically scammed us out of more money than I care to admit, it's gotten much better. He no longer wakes up in pain every morning and can carry and play with our kids without wincing. Last Sunday though, he did something to it to cause more pain than he's ever been in before.

He was sitting in mass and leaned over to the side, either to tell me something or to correct one of the kids behaviors I'm not even sure which, when he felt a pop. All of a sudden he was in immense pain and could barely move. Afterwards, not realizing how bad it was, he took Stella to the bathroom and on the way back she pulled on his arm and he almost fell over the pain was so bad. After mass he hobbled to the car and couldn't even bend over to shut the car door.

Luckily, we're friends with our chiropractor so Jakob was able to call him and get in for an adjustment right away. He said what probably happened is the joint was tight so when the joint popped it inflamed the muscles around it and possibly pinched a nerve. He said Jakob's back was really out of alignment but even after the adjustment Jakob was still in excruciating pain the rest of the day. Since then he's been back for two adjustments and the pains gotten much better. At the third adjustment the chiropractor said he thinks what may have actually happened is Jakob slipped a disk. Regardless of what caused it, the long and the short of it is, Jakob's been pretty much out of commission for a week now and everything from putting his socks on to taking care of the kids and taking out the trash has fallen on me.

Our chiropractor told Jakob he should not bend over or twist his back at all while it's healing. Jakob being the provider and husband that he is, kept trying to do things he shouldn't. He feels awful that he can't help out and I'm left to do everything but I shared with him this quote and reminded him of the times he's had to pick up the slack because I couldn't give my normal 100%.

When I was pregnant with Elliot, in the third trimester I remember one day not long after Stella and I had gotten up from our nap sitting down and not feeling like I could get back up. I thought to myself, "what is wrong with me?" Then I realized, I had hit that point in pregnancy where everything was exhausting. Jakob would get home from work to a house that looked like a tornado had gone off. Dinner would be made but the sink was filled with dishes and the countertops were covered with food scraps from cooking. The floor had toys everywhere. Up until then, I had always been meticulous about everything being done and spotless by the time Jakob got home. At first I felt really bad about it, but Jakob never complained and he told me it was okay. I was not only carrying and growing one of our children, but also taking care of our 1 year old and that was more than enough for one person.

When it got to the point where I had to go to bed right after Stella, he didn't go sit on the couch and say "well if she's done for the day so am I." He finished up whatever needed done so that in the morning I could start fresh with a clean house. On the his late days (once a week he goes in an hour late) he would sweep the floor and/or put away the dishwasher and get Stella breakfast while I slept in. After Elliot was born, and I was recovering from my c-section, he continued to keep the house running so I could get better as quickly as possible. He actually was telling me to go back and lay down and let him handle things when I was trying to help.

These are two extreme examples, but even just day to day our workload is rarely totally 50/50. There are days when Jakob's extra tired from a long day at work and he sits at the counter talking to me while I do all the cleanup after dinner. There are nights when I lay in bed with the kids even after they've fallen asleep on my phone while he's downstairs doing the closing-shift chores around the house. Sometimes he has to leave early for breakfast with a colleague and I'm doing morning responsibilities he usually does and there's times when I go out to dinner with my mom and he's at home taking care of the kids.

I'm blessed to have a husband who doesn't expect me to stay at home working until the house is spotless and sees the importance of taking the kids on playdates and to festivals and events around town. When he gets home and I say "I'm sorry the house is a mess we've been out all day," he doesn't think, "well isn't your job to take care of the house?" He just gets to work helping me get done what didn't get done before. Of course, I do try to keep up with the house so that when he gets home we can do a fun family activity together. Most of the time when there is still work to be done we work side by side to get it done, but when it doesn't work out that way, no one feels shorted. It really should be that way in every household, but we all know sadly it isn't.

If we kept score of who does what and when, or stopped working because "I've done my 50% it's your turn" we'd end up with resentment in our marriage. We both work until things are done and neither of us feel bad if we can't give any more that day, and we're not upset if the other needs us to pick up some slack.

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