Friends With [Political] Benefits

I wrote this post with my best friend Daisy and to make it easy to understand, her parts are bolded and mine are normal font.

        When I was in high school I, like most people, went through a liberal phase. During that phase I became friends with a girl named Daisy. We were like two hippies in a pod. My liberal phase didn’t last too far into our friendship, we became friends freshman year and by senior year I’d swung back conservative. We’ve been friends on and off for the last 11 years and at least one of those “off’s” was due to our political differences. Now her and I, (at 27 and 25 respectively) still have very different political views, but are able to still maintain our close friendship regardless of that. You may assume we maintain it by never discussing politics, but we do quite often. It comes from a mutual level of respect and a realization that political views aren’t the only things that define us. Note on the photo… I swear I was not high in the photo on the left I don’t know why I look like that. Pleading the fifth on the one on the right. (Just kidding)

       I’m pretty sure it was college when we fell out due to political views - although at the time, I wasn’t actually sure why we stopped being friends. Daisy just kind of stopped texting me back one day without an explanation. Obviously, I was upset, but I felt like there wasn’t anything I could do and it was what it was. I was in college and figured it was just time to let my high school friendship go and move on. I’m not sure what started our talking again, I think it was that coincidentally we both moved back to Ohio within a month of each other. When we started hanging out she told me the reason she’d quit talking to me was because I was constantly shoving my political opinion down her throat.

        My gut reaction was defense. I thought, how could I not? You’re wrong and I’m trying to help you see how wrong you are. Luckily, I had a little bit more maturity than that and was able to step back and assess my behavior, and if I wanted my political opinions to be dominating my life and relationships. The answer was, I did not. At 23 I also saw politics much differently than I did in high school and college.

        I no longer saw the other party as “evil” or “bad” (to clarify, there are certainly evil people and MANY evil politicians, but the party in general was not). I realized that both sides simply wanted what was best for everyone and for our country, we just had different ideas and approaches to what was indeed best. No one was trying to make anyone else’s life bad, they were just trying to make life better for the whole.

        After becoming friends again I went with her to an appointment girl you mean theeee appointment lol in Columbus, and Stella stayed with Jakob and his grandma. To clarify, what Daisy means by that is that her appointment was technically against my religion, literally. It was to get her incision checked after getting her tubes removed and the Catholic Church doesn’t support that. Even if I wasn’t Catholic, my crunchy side wouldn’t support that either, but regardless I still respect her right to make that decision. And I whole heartedly support any woman’s decision to not have children, if you’re not willing to devote your whole life to them - don’t have them. With that said, I do think they should make that decision in the bedroom and not once the baby is in the womb already if you know what I mean… I digress.

         When I got back I was telling them about Daisy and I’s political discussions and Jakob’s grandma asked me how we were able to discuss politics when we have such different views. I think that’s a common question. I certainly know my fair share of both conservatives and liberals who can’t have a peaceful conversation about politics. It inevitably quickly leads to name calling, degradation, yelling, and storming off. Daisy and I don’t do any of that.

       When we discuss politics, I respect that Daisy is MUCH more knowledgeable in any given topic than I am. I listen to her research and while sometimes I’m not sure I totally believe what she’s telling me, I respect that it’s something she’s really looked into and she’s not just throwing opinions at me. I, on the other hand, often times am just throwing emotion and opinions at her.

        I’m very up front about the fact that I’m not well researched in politics. My values come first and my politics follow that whereas I would say Daisy’s more neutral on her values and able to separate politics from her values. Daisy also, like most liberals, holds the opinion that everyone is entitled to their values and should be able to live how they want without the government enforcing values. I disagree, and think that it’s important for our government and laws to reflect a strong moral stance. On some level we should have the freedom to make our own decisions when it comes to values and morals, but I also don’t think that everyone knows what’s best for them and that there are times when people need protected from certain “choices.”

        Now this isn’t meant to get into the nitty gritty of our opinions. It’s only meant to be an overall discussion on how we’re friends regardless of those differing options, but I think some examples to clarify the last paragraph are necessary. In terms of abortion, I think it should totally be outlawed. That is a case where I don’t think that people should be able to make their own choices, but Daisy feels it should be left to each state rights so that every woman can make the decision best for her. Another example is transgender rights. I don’t think it should be legal to use whichever restroom you “identify” as and I don’t think that you should be able to play on whichever sports team you “identify” as. I don’t think sex changes are the appropriate “treatment,” but I do think that as an individual that’s a decision you should be able to make about your own body. However, when it comes to kids, I am absolutely against allowing them to take hormone blockers or hormone therapy until they are an adult. I agree with that, you gotta be an adult to make those decisions.

        Daisy and I are not unable to recognize when a stalemate has been reached and further conversation isn’t going to get us anywhere. We’re also not afraid to say if a topic is becoming too personal or too emotionally charged or triggering. We let the other one know and the topic is immediately dropped.

        Another big thing in making this friendship work is that I know Daisy would never push her beliefs on my kids. Even though she’s an atheist, she would never say anything about that or anything against God in front of my children. Even though she’s bisexual, she would never bring up anything LGBTQ+ in front of my children because she knows I’m raising my children to believe that is not how God wants us to live. She knows that I love and accept her for all her beliefs and choices, but we both know where each other stands on those beliefs. She also doesn’t cuss around the kids, which actually for the first two years of us being back we were always around the kids so I assumed she didn’t at all. When we hung out the first time without the kids I was shocked at how much she cussed. I don’t know how she doesn’t do it around the kids out of habit. She also doesn’t vape in front of the kids because she knows I don’t want that example set for them.

        I’m grateful have a friend who has the time and commitment to do so much research into her political opinions. She has brought so much to my attention that I never would’ve known or considered. I’m ashamed to say that last election election and throughout college I was very much a party voter. Although this will actually be the first Presidential Election I’m voting in since I wasn’t 18 yet in 2016, and I was in the middle of a deep depression and in between voter registrations in 2020. I didn’t really look into the issues, I just saw red. This year, I will be doing much more research before I decide who to vote for. Frankly, both the candidates suck and if I could with good conscious just abstain from voting would. Although I probably will end up voting for Trump, I REALLY don’t want to vote for such an unchristian man, to put it nicely.

Now, Daisy’s take on a day in the life of our friendship.

There’s a soft glow on the montage of muted colors, light wood, and 100% organic cotton clothing (the ONE HUNDRED and ORGANIC are mandatory predecessors to the word cotton) that plays in my mind when I think of going to Sophie’s house. It’s where I like to be when I’m overwhelmed or excited or annoyed or stressed.

Stella, Sophie’s 2 year old curly q of a daughter, purposely spills her cup of water on the floor as she says, “whoooooooops!!” Sophie turns from the sink of dishes she’s washing. “Whoops!!” she replies, “go get a towel and clean it up!” Stella excitedly runs to her shelf and grabs a towel. We have a good 45 seconds of silence ahead of us, as long as Elliot, her 7 month old, stays transfixed on his 100% organic Cotton-Wool-Felt-Certified-Sophie-Approved-Brought-Down-to-us-by-the-Crunchy-Mom-Goddess-Herself ball. That joke is not Sophie approved. I can see her face dropping as she reads this.

I capitalize on the window of silence, picking up a conversation leftover from last week, “You know, if you tell Elliot he can’t paint his nails because he’s a boy, you’re perpetuating the idea that transgenderism is necessary if you want to enjoy certain parts of life. Elliot can only paint his nails if he tells you he’s a girl.” Sophie waits a moment to answer. I wait, too. I like hearing her thoughts as a very conservative, traditional, Catholic woman.

Behind me, I hear water spilling and a little voice go, “whooooops!!!” then some pitter patter as the little voice runs to get another towel. Metal hits glass as Sophie stops what she’s doing to tend to the toddler. “I really hope these floors are water proof,” she mutters as she passes me. I giggle. She bends down to 2 year old height and says, “Stella, water goes in our glass or in the sink.” She points to Stella’s little working sink, the water dealer. “If you want to clean, you can wipe down your table and chairs with your towel.” She then points to Stella and Elliot’s table and chairs. Stella immediately gets to wiping.

“Well,” the mother of 2 says, “we will have to cross the bridge when we get to it.” I think that’s her way of saying she doesn’t have the mental space to have one of our talks. “Hope it’s a rainbow colored bridge,” I say with a sly smile as she throws playful daggers at me. I know she doesn’t believe LGBTQ+ way of living is right. I know she believes it’s straying from god, but this god of hers gave her a bisexual, hairy legged, outspoken, democratic socialist for a best friend. The least he can do is also give her thick enough skin to put up with It.

“You’re still able to take me to my appointment next week, right?” I asked Sophie as my hands hit the table in a haste. Another topic that tests her faith. “You mean to get your incisions checked?” She says as she heads back to the running water in the sink. There was a twinge in her voice. I know she isn’t thrilled to play any part in my fallopian tubes being removed, and I know it rubs closely against her morals, but I also know she’s my best friend. Though she is an adamant believer in the nuclear family, Sophie respects my decision to never have kids. “That’s the one” I chirp back as I check on Elliot. His ball is still the best thing ever and he’s still the cutest thing ever. “Yeah, I can take you,” she replies from far away. It’s that moment Stella chooses to grab my hand and pull me into the living room to play.

I sit on the couch and Stella hands me a naked baby doll & a onsie. I instinctively started dressing baby while asking Stella about her day. “Did you have a good nap? I heard you went to the library this morning!” Stella smiles and says some words I can’t quite make out. I nod and smile back. “That sounds fun!” I then hand her a fully dressed baby, but she runs to the kitchen before noticing. Little pitter patters zoom back a moment later. She’s holding a children’s book about Jesus. She wants me to read it to her. I smile to myself. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine my 20s being covered in sticky babies and books about Jesus. Stella cuddles up to me, baby in tow, as I open the book and begin to read. We are three pages deep and Stella interrupts me to proclaim, “Jesus loves you!!” as she boops my nose, giggling. My initial thoughts are “no, he doesn’t! He doesn’t even exist!!” But this is not my baby and those are not her mama’s beliefs. “Jesus loves you too, Stella!!” I boop her nose back. Being best friends with this little one’s mom has taught me (and tried me) valuable life lessons. As I get older, I see how rare it is for people to enjoy the company of someone so different to themselves. There’s some difficulty involved in biting your tongue as much as I do when I’m around the kids, but Sophie’s differing view points have enriched my life enough to bite down hard. I was always very anti-marriage, but Sophie has shown me the beauty. I couldn’t understand giving in to your partner for the sake of the relationship, or letting go of things even though you were wronged. Sophie has helped me learn how and what to prioritize, and she does it through what she’s learned in the church.

Having differing opinions in your life doesn’t negate your own, it only helps you be a more rounded person. For a long time I looked at the world as black and white, red and blue. Now I see there’s so much grey area and my political beliefs are so much more complicated than I thought, thanks to Daisy. Couple side notes: ironically Elliot got his toenails painted for the first time last week. We were doing mine and Stella’s and he asked. I think it’s harmless when he’s little, but eventually he’ll realize boys don’t do that. Jakob did ask me not to emphasize it, like telling everyone and asking him to show people, which I thought was a tad overreaction but whatever. The kid already wears his sisters polka dot underwear, pink pajamas, and girlie cloth diapers in the car. I guess we can draw the line somewhere. Also, if you’re one of those people who has multiple of the same political sign in your yard, I don’t care who you’re going for. Take them all down except for one. Don’t be that person. Get a hobby.

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